I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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