So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
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