Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
