Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
now that we broke up we are playing hot potato with the cock ring.. Poor thing just needs a home
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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