My sheets look like a crime scene.
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
