My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
don't judge my taste in strippers
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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