At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I'm studying. I have a really exciting life lol
It's hard to say that sarcastically after having sex in a movie theater
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