my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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