My girlfriend figured out who you are.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
