I bet Jafar would keep his hat on during
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
