So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
