I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
