My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
