So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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