I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
