I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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