Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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