Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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