Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
Randomize
