i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
