Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
