soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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