I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
