my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
