so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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