Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
