I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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