1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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