My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
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