You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
