I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
