How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
