She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
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