Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I want sex. When is an appropriate time post funeral to ask for something like that. Like when it gets dark out?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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