Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
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