drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
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