just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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