There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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