I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
