didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
