Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
