I'm gonna have a badass scar
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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