I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
