the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night
haha good one..how did you even know?
we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Text me some of your sweat
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
