omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
In fact, not a good idea to go into any house alone after a man invites you in from his balcony.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
