Sacagawea was the original milf.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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