You smell like stripper and shame
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
