Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
