WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
