Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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